As I feared, it seems to be an uneven thing; whenever I act, he reacts, friendly and all, but he’d never act on his own. It might be out of fear of sending the wrong signals after all, but it makes me sad; if I didn’t work at keeping the friendship going, it’d fade sooner or later. I hope this won’t be the case. If I waited for a very long time, he’d probably ask, but I can’t wait. Just can’t. I love him, even if he doesn’t love me.
May 4, 2009
April 20, 2009
Please write me
I need to hear from you. Please don’t cut me off completely. I need to know how you are. I can’t stop loving you, although I know that I should. I know I am making myself unhappy. I can’t stop. Please understand. I need to hear from you. Soon.
April 15, 2009
Hours, part 2
I did meet him and, of course, it was lovely. Yes it was. I got all of three hours (which, naturally, weren’t nearly enough). We do still have things to talk about, thanks for that.
He did tell me that he admired (!) me, but said again that he can’t have another relationship. Can’t have or doesn’t want to have, I wonder. I cannot control my feelings most of the time, although I did not start to sob in his presence. I am still not willing to give up hope, although I know that it is a dangerous thing.
Even as a friendship it seems to be an uneven thing; I have not heard from him yet although a week has passed. He professed that he enjoyed my company, but I have a feeling that if I didn’t constantly insist on keeping up contact, it would fade sooner or later. This just hurts.
Again, I am counting hours. We loosely agreed on the month in which to meet next, but that is it. So I have more than 2500 hours to endure until then. One month of waiting for one hour of being with him. And that’s just innocently spending an afternoon together. There might be more after that, but not quite the way I really want.
I can’t give it up.
March 31, 2009
Getting a grip
He did read my letter and a short while later I received one of the most honest, sincere, but also blunt and hopeless answers I’ve ever received. He pretty much explained that he wanted to be my friend, but not more than that. In a way it was comforting, but also devastating at the same time. I’m still struggling as to what to make of it and it’s a rather painful process. I so hope to see him very soon. It just has to work out. Again, I know it will be hard and he doesn’t want me to cry (hates it, actually), so I’ll have to work on that. There is no use in showing him that I can’t do it, so I’ll have to do my best.
Training for a 5k in July. There might be as much as a half marathon in the works as early as next summer, but I’m not sure yet.
