A lot has happened in the past few months. Really a lot. Good stuff. I can’t really explain, but now that it seems to be really good, I fear that I’ve blown it. He still hasn’t seen the blog, but I’ve tried to explain a lot – maybe way too much – in writing. Full out confession. I know that it won’t get me where most expect I want to be at, but that’s not what I really want. I know I’ll be permanently unhappy, at least in a way, when I go on like this, but I can’t give it up. I so want to be his friend, or rather stay his friend, truly, but I also want to stay in love with him.
March 10, 2009
November 17, 2008
Not to worry
I met him again. In private. Yes, I just asked. It was different than the first time and I was afraid that he was a bit bored. But then, my expectations were high this time around. We did talk for two hours. There were so many things I didn’t ask. I should really be grateful instead of fretting. There was a long hug after that. I came over again a few weeks later and asked him out to lunch with only a few hours’ notice, and of course he couldn’t make it. He wrote me a short e-mail a day later and yet another one two days after that. I was just so glad about that. I really want to think of him as my friend. I told him that I worried about him; however, he told me not to. What I meant to say was that I cared about him and I do. Deeply. I really want him to be well. I know he is struggling. I wish I could help. In a way I can, but I’m also afraid of doing it wrong. Just not doing anything at all isn’t the way to go, either. I love him so, but I want him to still think of me as a friend, too.
August 13, 2008
Wednesday morning, 11.15 a.m.
I got an answer from him. Out of the blue. Still don’t believe it. He’s well. Alive and well. Life’s good. 25 days to go. I love him.
