I can’t concentrate. I feel almost physically sick at the moment. I’ve been trying to finish reading a book for two weeks now and my bedroom is a mess. I need to write him an e-mail, even at the expense of waiting for an answer again for ever. Or, worst case, hearing that yes, I am bothering him after all.
I don’t know whether to like or hate the song. When I found out that he had a son and wasn’t married (although has been living with his son’s mother forever) I started liking (then loving) him even more. There is a scene in SATC where Carrie asks herself (by way of Miranda) if Alec is ever going to love her enough, even if she won’t have a child with him. At least others think so as well. Or is it just that I am being a total bitch and “loving him even more” translates to “it makes it harder, but more interesting to get him to like me, me, me” (and no-one else). The day I rediscovered the song I woke up from an afternoon nap (that I shouldn’t have taken anyway), almost in a panic. When we (finally) met, he mentioned explicitly that he loved children. Even the fact that he talked to me alone for so long should me make me grateful, but instead just has me worried that it might never happen again. At least it somewhat changed my attitude towards children crying or even screaming in public, because it makes me think of him now, as does pretty much everything else. But why exactly do I worry? S. mentioned that he didn’t know all that went on in my head, so I shouldn’t assume that he felt bothered at all. I so so want him to be well, even if he doesn’t want to talk to me again. I really hope that he does, though. When I saw him with the kid in his arms, it reminded me of our conversation, but that’s all I ever think about anyway (the conversation, not kids). It just killed me not to get to say good-bye properly last time. I am obsessive, I know. Just have to hide it. Please let there be another conversation. Please.
