Where to now?

It might be over now. For good. He did not say it explicitly, but I think I have to live with the fact that he isn’t even interested in friendship. Not in the way I see it. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before and I think I haven’t even fully  realised most of it … I will have to go through a twelve-step-programme of sorts or at least mourn properly, preferably with some sort of guidance. Of course I love him, but I can’t go on begging for every meeting and almost literally lacerating myself every time I’m waiting for an e-mail. I don’t know if he’ll even notice.

Maybe no therapist will ever take me seriously, just tell me not to be a drama queen like the last one did. I should have definitely stayed put two years ago, but then, how different would my life be now? IT HURTS SO MUCH!!! The worst thing is: I don’t even know if I want it to pass. I am so afraid of the void, the indifference. I am lost …

Same old, just worse

I haven’t learned anything in the past year it seems. I am worried sick yet again and slowly falling apart. I know that just because he doesn’t answer my e-mails immediately doesn’t mean that I have done, or written, something wrong. I can’t trust that things are going to be ok. Just can’t. I am so afraid of having blown it yet again. It is so bad. Please let everything be ok, my kind of ok.

Why does unrequited love hurt so much? Is there such thing as unrequited friendship?

Even if …

As I feared, it seems to be an uneven thing; whenever I act, he reacts, friendly and all, but he’d never act on his own. It might be out of fear of sending the wrong signals after all, but it makes me sad; if I didn’t work at keeping the friendship going, it’d fade sooner or later. I hope this won’t be the case. If I waited for a very long time, he’d probably ask, but I can’t wait. Just can’t. I love him, even if he doesn’t love me.

Please write me

I need to hear from you. Please don’t cut me off completely. I need to know how you are. I can’t stop loving you, although I know that I should. I know I am making myself unhappy. I can’t stop. Please understand. I need to hear from you. Soon.

Hours, part 2

I did meet him and, of course, it was lovely. Yes it was. I got all of three hours (which, naturally, weren’t nearly enough). We do still have things to talk about, thanks for that.

He did tell me that he admired (!) me, but said again that he can’t have another relationship. Can’t have or doesn’t want to have, I wonder. I cannot control my feelings most of the time, although I did not start to sob in his presence. I am still not willing to give up hope, although I know that it is a dangerous thing.

Even as a friendship it seems to be an uneven thing; I have not heard from him yet although a week has passed. He professed that he enjoyed my company, but I have a feeling that if I didn’t constantly insist on keeping up contact, it would fade sooner or later. This just hurts.

Again, I am counting hours. We loosely agreed on the month in which to meet next, but that is it. So I have more than 2500 hours to endure until then. One month of waiting for one hour of being with him. And that’s just innocently spending an afternoon together. There might be more after that, but not quite the way I really want.

I can’t give it up.

Getting a grip

He did read my letter and a short while later I received one of the most honest,  sincere, but also blunt and hopeless answers I’ve ever received. He pretty much explained that he wanted to be my friend, but not more than that. In a way it was comforting, but also devastating at the same time. I’m still struggling as to what to make of it and it’s a rather painful process. I so hope to see him very soon. It just has to work out. Again, I know it will be hard and he doesn’t want me to cry (hates it, actually), so I’ll have to work on that. There is no use in showing him that I can’t do it, so I’ll have to do my best.

Training for a 5k in July. There might be as much as a half marathon in the works as early as next summer, but I’m not sure yet.

Please understand

A lot has happened in the past few months. Really a lot. Good stuff. I can’t really explain, but now that it seems to be really good, I fear that I’ve blown it. He still hasn’t seen the blog, but I’ve tried to explain a lot – maybe way too much – in writing. Full out confession. I know that it won’t get me where most expect I want to be at, but that’s not what I really want. I know I’ll be permanently unhappy, at least in a way, when I go on like this, but I can’t give it up. I so want to be his friend, or rather stay his friend, truly, but I also want to stay in love with him.

Update

I did meet him the following week. It was absolutely lovely, and much longer than expected. We’ve even mailed a few times since. I should really be happy now and in a way I am. He did call me a friend again, which was one of the best moments ever. It is just so important to me.

I still don’t have my computer back, but I’m still hoping for the best. If only I could trust that everything will be, or rather remain, all right. Maybe even more than just all right.

Hours

I’m counting hours again. 166. I know it’s not even certain. I wrote him a text, but I haven’t got an answer yet. But then, he doesn’t usually answer my texts. I really hope he still finds me interesting. I feel a bit stupid insisting on a meeting, but I can’t do without one.

I can’t trust that everything will be fine. I can’t. I might seem desperate, but then I am. The last mail was quite positive, but I can’t relax. 

I really hope that it will feel good. That I will feel good. I have to send out applications before that. I need to have something to show for. And I seriously need to find work. If only to impress him. I know this isn’t true. My life needs to go on. Even, worst case, without him. I hope this won’t be the case. But I can’t centre it around him like that. I know.

Better now

I got an answer. He even thanked me for writing back so quickly. Agreed on meeting next week. Hopefully. Had to seek some advice. The person was amazed at the rounds I was going in not letting him know how I really feel. I have a feeling the friendship is going backwards, if it had ever been one. I don’t want to have to beg. He once told me to stop being sorry. I still don’t know what to think of all this.

My data might be lost for good. S***. I need to look forward not back, literally, in general.